I deleted most of my old entries. I find that no good can come from looking to the past. What's done is done, and cannot be changed. It took me years of therapy to realize that. You can't change the past, so put it behind you...and today, I am going to do just that. What my stepfather did to me was just lecherous....but no one can go back and undo it. Even if he wanted to undo it, he could not. I am not saying that I will ever forgive him....particularly since he never asked me to, but as of today, I am putting it behind me. I will no longer guage the rest of my life based on the mistakes of the past. I know I have hurt some people deeply in the past, and I will always regret the mistakes I have made in regards to the people I love, but once again, it is in the past, and the past cannot be changed. I like to think that I have started new beginnings with the people that I hurt the most, and I am going to focus on that instead of what used to be.


I am leaving the past behind,

Taking good memories with me.

Though the past was unkind,

It doesn't have to change who I choose to be.

I am no longer a girl, but a woman now,

A mother, a lover, a fighter, and I will stand strong.

So I lay down my baggage, I lay down my armor somehow

Life is too short to dwell on every little thing that's gone wrong.

I hold out my arms, and beckon you to join me

Here in the present, where we can be free.

I dunno if it's just the holidays, or what, but I am feeling really down lately. I know it has a lot to do with missing my family (which includes my friends), especially around this time of year. Today has also just been a really crappy day. I am actually in tears as I write this. Rose is sick....has a fever and is throwing up, and she has never thrown up before (I am talking actual projectile vomiting here, not baby spit-up.) I just feel so lousy. I know Doug is disappointed in me lately, because I haven't been keeping the house as clean as I should be. I talked to my Aunt Pam today for the first time in over 2 years. It was hard, because she was really disappointed in me when I moved out here and got married and then had a kid. The main point is, she was there, my sister and Chris and Kayley were there, as well as my mom, and my brother and his girlfriend. It was like basically my whole family was there today, and I wasn't....it was just so hard, y'know? hearing the plates clattering in the background over the phone, as everyone got ready to sit down to eat a meal together as a family, and I couldn't be there with them. I know I am just being stupid....but it's hard for me to see how big Rose is getting, and know that they have never met her....and wonder if they ever will. For the last couple of days, well closer to a week actually, I have just had this feeling of wanting to curl up into a ball and stay that way forever....It's especially hard when Doug and I fight....I mean all married couples fight, but because of the fact that my family and friends are sooooo far away, I just feel so utterly alone when we fight. Ok, now I guess I am just rambling........Sorry for the rant, guys....had to let some of that out.

hey all, if anyone still reads this, lol. rose is now 13 mos old, and it's been a wonderful experience so far. there is really nothing in the world like looking at a small child and knowing it depends on you to stay alive....it's actually kinda scary to think of it like that. wow not really much else to say, lol. i guess that might be why i haven't updated in so long, cause there hasn't been much to say. rose can say bye bye now, and she walks really well, she can actually run a little. she climbs on everything, i swear i am gonna have to take her to the emergency room one of these days for head injury or something.

I haven't updated in a while, been busy being a mommy. My daughter is 8 months old now, and she is crawling so well! Doug's still working nights, but I'm on days now, because Rose would not conform to the nightlife. She is so funny! If she's angry or frustrated, she growls to let you know about it. She puts everything into her mouth and I think power cords are her biggest weakness, lol. My cats now run in terror, because when she gets close to them which is not very often at all, she bangs on them with her arms. I'm thinking about getting involved in Mary Kay, to make some moolah, that way I can have the independence of a job without having to leave my baby much. I haven't missed any of the firsts yet, and i want to keep it that way. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about my husband supporting me but I still fo sometimes. There are so many things he would like to have but can't because of me. A motorcycle is the big one. Well I guess that"s all for now

Like I said, it's been a really, really long time. More than a year I think. A lot has happened since then. First of all, I moved from a shitsplat town in Maryland to a shitsplat town in Colorado. Then I got married to my childhood sweetheart, Doug. We met back up over the internet after not having seen each other for like 3 years. We were married for like 4 months and then I got pregnant. Our daughter, Rose, was born on September 15th 2005. She's the light of our lives. I've grown up a lot over the last year. Getting married and having a child will do that, but I think it's more than just those things. People grow up. I like to think it was just my time, and I'm glad it came when it did, because I used to be such a fickle heartbreaker, and I love Doug so much, I could never bear to hurt him the way I've hurt others before. That was the old me, and that person is no longer who I am. I'm still me though, with most of the same interests, like slash and writing in general, and Sarah Mclachlan of course. I don't love cats as much as before, but I think it's because mine just piss me off a lo lately. I don't dress in all black and fishnet like i used to, but I still think it's an appealing style. Well now I have to go, because the baby's crying, poor thing she's been crying a lot today.